i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
