i would punch a child for taco bell
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
