I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
