if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
