how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
