You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
