Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
