I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
