Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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