if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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