I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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