just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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