Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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