quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
