I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
My feet surprised me
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
