Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I'm at about main and main street
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
