went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
