We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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