Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
