i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
