I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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