my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
