Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
You're like the curious george of whores
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
