Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
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like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
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I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize