Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
