i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
