you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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