well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
