I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
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