Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
