3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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