she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
