kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
