As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
