Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
