why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
