I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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