: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
