i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
