This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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