My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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