this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
