I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
