So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
