oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
