I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
