I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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