I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Randomize
