paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
