Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
