I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
