Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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