Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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