If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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