I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
