I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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