i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
