i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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